Such a Masochistic Couple..

me and Derek are. We are on Day 5 of quitting smoking. Have been taking the Chantix for 12 days now.. I can't even begin to explain how I've been feeling. I know its really hard for non-smokers to understand but quitting smoking really sucks. It is such a damn rollercoaster of emotions and just like any other addiction it takes almost everything in you to truly succeed.

One minute I am all gung-ho and happy we have made this decision. 5 minutes later I am cursing myself for being so stupid because I love to smoke. I enjoy smoking. Don't ask me why really but I just do; it has been a part of me for 10 years now. So its almost like I feel like I'm losing part of myself. All of the little habits that I'm having to break is torture: no more smoke breaks with Sarah, no more smoke breaks with Derek to discuss our day, no more smoking in the cars, at restaurants, when inibriated.. etc. Its those times that really make you question whether it is worth it. I know the money and better health itself is way more than worth it but that little part of me almost doesn't care just so I am happy. We almost threw in the towel last night. We were so frustrated for the reasons I've just listed above and just lit up. After about 3 nasty draws I just shook my head and said "we are so f'in rediculous" so after a weak moment we are back on track but I am just really doubting our ability to quit for good which is both frustrating and completely sad. As a smoker, it is also that feeling of failure that I fear. I hated telling people that I was quitting because if I were to start smoking again they all give you that look of disappointment that I can't stand.

On top of all that, most people will tell you to keep yourself busy but fellow Chantix users will know what I mean when I say that you don't feel like doing much of anything! All I want to do is sleep.. partly because the meds make you a little depressed/crazy but mostly because it takes my mind off of not trying to smoke. And with my husband and best friend going through the same thing, our house has been a little crazy. One minute we're laughing together and the next we're crying. Like I said, it is pure torture. I keep praying that it will all pass and that we will be thankful and appreciate these weeks of hell but I'm just having some serious doubts right now..

Ciao.